Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Be Careful, Little Eyes, Who You Judge

I don’t believe in what people call karma...the idea that we are repaid for the evil that we do to others. I believe in a God that has more grace than that. But if it were true, I would be buried under a mountain of judgment from others. Why? Because amongst those who judge people (specifically other mothers), I am the worst.

While I was in college, I worked in a children’s museum. I would spend up to 8 hours a day judging how women, older and wiser than I, would parent their children in public spaces. I remember scoffing at the woman who dared to nurse her toddler in the wide-open middle of the museum while her preschooler played. I would get angry at the mom who left her child to play by himself all morning so she could be with her crawling baby. I despised the women who ignored their children altogether and just chatted with other moms. You name it, I saw it- changing diapers on play equipment, sneaking food into “no outside food or drink” spaces, yelling at kids, uncontrollable kids, and the worst thing of all, spanking kids. After so much time observing such abhorrent parenting, I knew I would be a good mom.

Then I had my first child…and I was the perfect mom. William was the easiest baby ever. We would smile, laugh, talk, and explore together. Grocery shopping was a pleasant and educational experience. “William, do you see a 3? Yes! That is a three!” I always found quiet, dark, peaceful places to nurse him when in public. At the park, I would run, climb, and swing right alongside him. My diaper bag was always stocked with tissues, antibacterial wipes, extra clothes. When he got upset, I was quick to diffuse any tantrum. Yes, I was the perfect mom, with a clean house, dinner on the table at 5:30 every night, and a beautifully decorated chip on my shoulder.

Then I had my second child…and the chip fell and landed on my big toe—HARD. I tried to do all I had done before. None of it was the same. I remember the first time I had to take both of them grocery shopping. I stood, holding the baby carrier and my 2 year old’s hand, staring at the cart that is clearly only made to hold one child. I tried everything.

Carrier on top + Toddler in basket = Fear of Baby or Toddler falling from a 4 foot height

Carrier on top + Toddler walking beside= Lost Toddler, Toddler running in front of other carts, Extra items found in cart at the cashier

Toddler in seat + Carrier in basket= Multiple 15 items or less shopping trips in one week

There was a time I was at the zoo and had finally laid out all of William’s sack lunch on a picnic table when Braden had a blowout. That chip landing on toe injury flared up as I changed my poopie baby on the bench at the picnic table where people eat.

The first time I was at a restaurant by myself with William and Braden and I needed to nurse. There was no dark and quiet nursing room and I was not about to sit on a toilet while my toddler crawled about on a bathroom floor. So, yep, I needed to embrace Women’s Lib and nurse in public view (with a cover, of course) in an eating establishment, much to the amusement of the middle school boys basketball team next to me.

Remember the moms I judged for ignoring their children so they could chat with their girlfriends? Well, it wasn’t long until I let my kids crawl around over, under, and around  the tables in the Jackson, TN Jason’s Deli so that I could have a good lunch with a friend.

Fast forward another kid and I have officially let go of every claim to pride. I’ve learned that there wasn’t much special about me in my parenting perfection. I was just fortunate enough to enjoy some time when circumstances lent themselves to an easy life. Things are more complicated now. My children are older and their needs are compounded. I don’t have the luxury anymore to make sure the diaper bags are well-stocked, the children eat all five servings of fruits and vegetables, or that their self-chosen outfits match. Grocery trips with all three are Hell on earth and I would rather shop at 3 am than take them with me. My two youngest only wear underwear and socks on Sundays. They watch more TV than Parents Magazine recommends. When people tell me my children need a tissue, I’m tempted to say one of the following:

“He’s looked like that all day”

“If that grosses you out, don’t look at his sleeve.”

“Can you also wipe off the chocolate pudding that’s been there since last night’s dinner?”


I spent four years in college and one year in graduate school reading and citing research articles on the hazards of spanking. I am now the mom says to my child at least once during a southern vacation, “We are in the South, so I’m allowed to spank you right here in the middle of the store…and if I don’t, someone else will offer to!”

Then, a few weeks ago, while cheering on my 6 year old in his last basketball game of the season, my 2 year old came out of the bathroom with a big wet spot on the crotch of his jeans. I let him run around and play like that for the rest of the game because I had forgotten a change of clothes and there was no way I was going to miss my son’s last game. When people snickered at him (and my awful mothering), I just smiled, cheered for William even louder, handed Braden the Inorganic, non-whole grain goldfish cracker that had fallen on the dirty gym floor for him to eat, and hugged my urine-stained, snotty nosed two year old.



See? I’ve done it all, much worse than any of those well-meaning women have done.
Now, wouldn’t it be great if we stopped judging other moms? Wouldn't it be easier if, in the middle of a meltdown, we didn't need to worry about the opinions everyone was forming about us? People love knocking others down a few notches so they feel better about themselves, even if it is only in thought and opinion. What if instead of scoffing at other mothers when their children have a temper tantrum in a store, we asked how we could help? You know, grab a few items from the other end of the store, wait at the deli counter while they take their toddler on an emergency run to the bathroom, hold their crying baby while they sit their preschooler in timeout in the center of the produce aisle? What if we tried to get to know the stressed out mom across the street that you hear yelling from inside her house? What if we arranged a playdate with the woman who is (gasp) separated from her husband?

Maybe there is more to the story. Maybe the mom has no family or friends around to help her. Maybe she is on two hours of sleep because of a sick baby. As I type this I received an email from a friend whose child has been diagnosed as Bipolar. She writes, “I wish more people would be open and not so harsh and judgmental towards parents. There is no way we can know what is going on when you only get a glimpse of that child’s behavior.”

Maybe we should offer the benefit of the doubt more often, hesitate to make any judgment on anyone who has walked a path we’ve yet to walk, pray more often for those around us, remember the grace we have been shown, and realize that God places every person in our lives for a reason and we are rarely called to stand aside and play the judge.

16 comments:

  1. I love this post! It's amazing how a few kids will chill us out. I didn't use to leave the house unless the kids were matching and the girls had bows in their hair. Now as long as they all have shoes on, we're good!

    I'm a new follower and we are also in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. I can't wait to read more of your story.

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    1. Tiffany, I just checked out your blog. How exciting to be so close to the end of the adoption process!! We have been on the waiting list for 4 months now and it is slower going than anticipated. I look forward to reading more of your posts! And thanks for taking the time to read mine!

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  2. YUP. I concur. Hear hear and what not. There's a hundred different ways to mother a child(ren). When I don't have a stellar day in being a mom, I like to think that children become who they are not because of their parents but despite their parents. Its a bit of an exaggeration...and yet somehow it rings true. Women are awful about placing other women in boxes and comparing ourselves to each other. Its detrimental to society!

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    1. Oh I am humbled often by how forgiving my kids are. And when I'm really, really angry or I've fallen into a puddle of tears on the floor because of stress, William always rushes to me to hug me. Makes me think that maybe I've done something right!

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  3. This is a fabulous post. I really was quite perfect myself until I had my second and then third child. Now I am thankful that God allowed me to see my faults and my need. I think I would have been much to proud of myself had I not struggled. But I've learned grace. His and my own toward them and toward myself. Blessings and thanks for sharing. Wen

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    1. I just looked up your blog and I was so happy to see another mom of three boys! You know my joy and my pain! I also enjoyed watching your video "Dollhouse." I'm excited to read more from you and see how God is using your talents to share His story :) Thanks for reading my blog!

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  4. God gave me this post today. I woke up thinking: Judge not, lest you be judged. With my 7, some things go undone for sure.
    Thank you for grace, Sister. God Bless!

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    1. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog! I looked through several blog posts you've written and you inspire me!! I look forward to reading more from you!

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  5. Today, my son and I went to breakfast at a restaurant. He was bouncing around and being a little noisy (but not the worst he's ever been) on the way to the register, when I noticed an older couple, about grandparent age, looking at him. They didn't seem terribly annoyed, but I definitely felt a little judged. Ordinarily I would have been angry and defensive, questioning whether their own kids had indeed been perfect little angels, not out loud, of course. I would have internalized that judgement and been angry about it for hours. But for some reason today, I just looked at them and smiled and said "Oh I wish I had some of his energy" And the woman smiled back at me and chuckled. And while it probably means nothing much to them, it really did help me and my peace of mind.

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    1. Jennifer, its good to hear from you! I tell you, you had more grace than me! I tend to get more upset at my kids when I notice others staring at me. And its not fair to my kids. I'll have to remember how you responded and use it next time!

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  6. Thank you for writing this. I too was judgmental until I had kids. That's the way He refines us I guess, through our children. When I was a child psychotherapist, I vowed I would never parent as poorly as the parents of my clients. Never say never, as they say:) Great post! Enjoyed visiting from WLW.

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    1. Christina, I just left you a comment on your page. And yes, I have been refined over and over since after my kids! Thanks for visiting!

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  7. Thank you. I am a single mom of 2 yr old twin boys. I feel like I am yelling all the time. It is exhausting to try and do it all every day. I look forward to the times when their dad takes them for the weekend and then an hour later I miss them like crazy !

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    1. Courtney, I don't know if it is a good thing or bad thing that you never got to experience all I did with just one child. You jumped right in with the twins! I'm sure they are blessed by having a caring and loving mother!

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  8. I so relate. I was that "perfect mom" and then BOOM- I had twins. It was a humbling experience...and continues to be one. I'm that horrible mother now. I sometimes lose my temper, the clothes are what they picked (and they don't match), sometimes I let them eat popcorn for breakfast. I feel like so much of what I do is WRONG WRONG WRONG...but if the proof is in the pudding then I see they are well behaved at school, they are so very kind to others, and they are a happy, silly bunch. I must be doing at least something right, right???

    I try to remember that even if a kid is being horrible, maybe they have some kind of problem and instead of judging or being annoyed, realize how grateful I should be for the trials I am not having to deal with- we each have our own and I am lucky my "trial" thus far has been 2 healthy babies at the same time. Man, it is humbling to say that...how spoiled am I?

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  9. Ha, I was/am the mom that all the neighbors can hear! I really needed to read this post...especially after unintentionally breaking a couple of things in my house this week. Thank God for other moms, good friends, and kind strangers!

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